Social Skills and Autism

It is hard for my child to make friends, how can I help?

Your child sometimes becomes so withdrawn into their own autistic world that they don't seem aware of other people or they don't seem to want to interact with other children. Sometimes a child with autism will want to play with another child but doesn't know how to initiate play or conversation. Then there are times when a child with autism begins to play with another child but doesn't know how to act appropriately and just ends up scaring his new friend away. People with autism and other autism spectrum disorders have difficulties reading social cues which makes it difficult for them to interact with others. This is mainly because they have so much going on in their own brain which makes it hard for them to understand things from another person's perspective. There are many tools and techniques that are useful in helping your child learn how to act socially appropriate. Sign Language  can be taught to give a voice to children who have little verbal skills.  Social Stories  can be written to guide children through experiences.  Imaginative Play   needs to be practiced and guided so the child can interact with other children in a more typical way.  Social Rules can be taught and modeled to promote your child's social skills. With all of his developing social skills, he will learn independence .  With independence he can become successful like many others.

Sign Language
If your child is non verbal it does not mean that they do not understand language, it just means their brain has trouble making all the necessary connections for speech. Sign Language is a great tool for people who have language difficulties.

Social Stories                          
You can use social stories to help out in almost any situation and they are easy enough to write yourself. A social story presents appropriate social behaviors in the form of a story, it can be short and to the point on a note card or it can be a few pages long with detailed drawing or photographs. Read more about social stories.




Imaginative Play
People with autism tend to take things literally and have very little imagination. Because of this, make believe play with other children is confusing and sometimes frustrating. With your help a child with autism can learn to use his imagination. Take time to play with your child, set up situations in which you can use your imagination.

• Build a fort or tent and pretend you are out in the woods with animals.
• Play with cars and trucks and encourage dialogue  such as "lets drive over there and see if there is a tunnel" ,"lets go put out the fire!", "let's race" or "lets drive to Wonderland, what will we see there?
• Play puppets together, use the puppets to act out a story or just ask questions with the puppets.
• Practice games that children play. Young boys like to pretend that they are Spiderman or other super heroes. They also like to pretend they are in shark infested water or somewhere near lava. Young girls like to play house and pretend they are mothers and sisters. Try to remember what you played as a child, chances are kids are still playing similar games.

When you go to a playground with your child, instead of watching from a bench, join in with the children and encourage them to play with your child. I like to introduce other kids to my Johnny, I ask their name and then tell them "this is Johnny, he is a really nice guy but he has trouble talking sometimes because he has a different kind of brain than most kids, can you be a good friend to him?" I find most kids are willing to play if they know that he is different but he is nice. Children are amazing accepting of differences, they have many questions and its great to answer their questions. It is the adults and older children that have become set in their ways and have become afraid of different kinds of people. Johnny has trouble keeping his hands to himself so I play very closely with him and the other kids to make sure no one gets hurt. If the kids are pretending to be animals, I pick an animal to act like and ask Johnny what he wants to be. When Johnny makes an animal sound or action I give him praise and encourage him to interact with the other children. If I have my camera, I take pictures of him playing with children so he can look at it later and remember the positive experience. These pictures can also be used in a social story to reinforce the imaginative play skill.
                                           
Social Rules and Social Cues
A person without Autism takes for granted their ability to interpret social cues. We can tell by looking at someone's posture or facial expression whether they are enjoying their conversation with us or not. We know when someone is talking to us because they are looking at us or that they are talking to someone else because they are sitting with them and looking at them. These are things a person with autism cannot do, so as parents, its our responsibility  to teach a child with autism to recognize certain social cues and to be aware of different social rules.

• Turn taking: Play games with your child, praise them when they wait for their turn and when they let others know when it's their turn. It is best to start with two player games and move up to multi-player as their patience grows. Don't yell when they play out of turn, just remind him that he needs to wait for his turn.
• Personal space: Everyone has their own interpretation of how much personal space is necessary but most people will agree that you can be too close to another person. An arms' length is a good distance to practice with. When your child is standing very close to someone, have him put out his arm to see that he needs to move back. You can model this with other family members, overact situations to get attention, let your spouse know what you are doing and when they get close to you hold out your arm and say "You are too close! I need this much space to feel happy!"
• Personal property : There are certain rules that we need to follow to show respect for other people's personal property. Even if things look interesting we know that we should not pick certain things up and we know that we should be careful with things because other people have emotional attachments to certain objects. Practice and reinforce this behavior with your child whenever you have the chance. For example,  if he picks up his Grandmother's music box make him put it down and ask before picking it up. Be consistent and make him ask before picking up anything that belongs to someone else.
• Conversation: There are so many rules to be aware of regarding conversations. You need to look at a person's eyes (or at least face) when you are speaking to each other. You wait for your turn to talk, instead of talking while the other person is talking. You don't repeat what the person just said to you, you either answer their question, give your opinion or ask your own question. You stay on topic, if the conversation is about a movie, don't start talking about a new trick your dog can do. If a group of people are talking, you don't interrupt everyone, you patiently wait for a break in conversation or tap someone's shoulder if you need to talk to them right way. When people are laughing, its okay to laugh with them but not too loud or too long. All of these rules can only be practiced during conversations, so encourage your child to have as many conversations as possible, you can help him talk by whispering in his ears when he is talking to someone.
• Voice levels: Encourage your child to use the appropriate voice level for the setting. If you are at the dinner table, you speak loud enough for everyone to hear you but not too loud that you are yelling. If you are in an indoor public place, you need a quieter voice. If you are outside you can use an outside voice. Before entering a place, practice the correct voice level with your child. You can use a tape recorder to play your child's voice back to him to let him judge if the level is appropriate.
• Good manners: Having good manners will always get you further with people. Even if your child can't put together a complete sentence, if they say (or sign) please and thank-you at the correct time, other people will know he is a nice kid.

Independence
Teaching a child independence is very important for their social life, especially in a school setting. If the child needs an aide or a teacher to do many things for him (put his jacket on, tie his shoes, open his snack/lunch, hold his hand while walking, remind him to pick up his things, etc...) he will be socially isolated and have a more difficult time making friends. It may seem like you are doing him a favor by helping him with things when he is struggling, but in the long run you are helping him if you make him learn to do it for himself. Give him plenty of encouragement and praise when he acts independently. It is okay if he is a little behind some of his peers, but he if he is going to have typical friends his own age, he needs to be doing age appropriate activities. If your child is mainstreamed or in full inclusion, he needs to be able to do many things independently.  By the time he is in kindergarten, he should be able to use the bathroom on his own, put on his own jacket and attempt to zipper/button it up, pack up his own school bag, and clean up after himself. At home have him dress himself and help out with simple chores. If by third grade, he cannot tie his own shoes, have him wear Velcro or slip on shoes so he doesn't feel like a baby compared to his peers. The more independently your child can act, the more confident he will feel.